i can see the moon through my window. it shines dull tonight. lately everything seems to be dull. im feeling more and more alone. i seem to be running, no living on coffee and cigarettes. an occasional bagel or sandwich ever few days. eating makes me sick. i've come to realize that i am a bad person. im not being hard on myself i really am a bad person. im only trying to get by and live each day of my life the way i want. i never really thought i would hurt this many people. i never thought i was capable of this much self-loathing. but i guess i learn new things all the time. i learn how to ignore.

how to forget. how to feel nothing. how to push that cold metal razor into my skin. i cringe. i hate everything i have become but there is no stopping me. i am a lost hope. a lost cause. a broken thing drowning within myself. and i see no escape. i feel no escape. im constantly bombarded by a million things a day and i cant handle simple things. i know i have a problem. id say more than one. i feel like knowing, and personally acknowledging that is going to help me fix it. i need time. i need space. i need peace and quiet. all this deafening noise is driving me insane.

i need someone to stop telling me how to act and just accept who i am. im sorry. i am honestly sorry about the way i turned out but im trying. im doing what i can. but you, what are you doing? talking to all my close friends and turning them against me? what could you possibly be thinking? confrontation does not solve anything here. i run away from confrontation. i avoid it at all cost.

for instance i know that the next time i talk to either of my 3 best friends there is going to be confrontation. theres going to be arguments and yelling and that is why ive ignored all of them for the past month. i ignore. i forget. i need very little right now.

and i certainly do not need you.